I first met Alan Wolfelt in 2001, a little more than three years after my husband was killed and about a month after I started my journey as a Grief Coach, in Hampton, VA at one of his seminars he was teaching colleagues in the field of bereavement. Now, more than 15 years later as I continue my passion serving our community as a Certified Christian Grief Coach, this ‘bill of rights’ still holds comfort and validation to so many that are thrust on this journey called grief. It is my gift to pay this forward to you, the one reading this, in efforts it helps you today as much as it has helped so many along the way. Feel free to print this ‘bill of rights’ and post them on your fridge, your desk at work, the break room, church, or simply hand them to someone who is trying very hard to understand and help you but seems to be struggling.
The Grieving Person’s Bill of Rights
by Dr. Alan Wolfelt
You have the right to experience your own unique grief. No one else will grieve exactly the same way you do. So, when you turn to others for help, don’t allow them to tell what you should or should not be feeling.
You have the right to talk about your grief. Talking about your grief will help you heal. Seek out others who will allow you to talk as much as you want, as often as you want, about your grief.
You have the right to feel a multitude of emotions. Confusion, disorientation, fear, guilt and relief are just a few of the emotions you might feel as part of your grief journey. Others my try to tell you that feeling angry, for example, is wrong. Don’t take these judgmental responses to heart. Instead, find listeners who will accept your feelings without condition.
You have the right to be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits. Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you feeling fatigued. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Get daily rest. Eat balanced meals. And don’t allow others to push you into doing things you don’t feel ready to do.
You have the right to experience grief “attacks”. Sometimes, out of nowhere, a powerful surge of grief may overcome you. This can be frightening, but is normal and natural. Find someone who understands and will let you talk it out.
You have the right to make use of ritual. The funeral ritual does more than acknowledge the death of someone loved. It helps provide you with the support of caring people. More important, the funeral is a way for you to mourn. If others tell you that rituals, such as these are silly or unnecessary, don’t listen.
You have the right to embrace your spirituality. If faith is a part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. If you feel angry at God, find someone to talk with who won’t be critical of your feelings of hurt and abandonment.
You have the right to search for meaning. You may find yourself asking, “Why did he/she die? Why this way? Why now?” Some of your questions may have answers, but some may not. And watch out for the clichéd responses some people may give you. Comments like, “It was God’s will” or “Think of what you have to be thankful for” are not helpful and you do not have to accept them.
You have the right to treasure your memories. Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after death of someone loved. You will always remember. Instead of ignoring your memories, find others with whom you can share them.
You have the right to move toward your grief and heal. Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a process, not an event. Be patient and tolerant with yourself and avoid people who are impatient and intolerant with you. Neither you nor those around you must forget that the death of someone loved changes your life forever.
If you are struggling, consider joining a support group. If you are interested in getting professional help from a certified grief coach, please feel free to contact me. You need not grieve alone.
Love and Joy,